My haters are going to rejoice when I say this, but I think it’s high time I changed careers. Being a half Palestinian, wholly homosexual freelance writer based in the US isn’t currently looking like the most stable situation. Either my livelihood is going to get obliterated by AI, or I’m getting shipped to a detention centre for thoughtcrimes and gender treachery. It’s anyone’s guess which comes first.
Having mulled over the various directions my future could take (dog-cloning saleswoman, astronaut, head of sanitation for the city of Philadelphia), I have finally decided what I want to be when I grow up. And I’m going to exclusively reveal the result in this column. I’m … going into politics!
Once upon a time, the fact that I have zero experience in politics may have been an impediment. In a country run by a reality TV star turned convicted felon, however, the criteria for what qualifies one for office have drastically changed. The fact that I am a permanent resident rather than a US citizen would also normally pose a problem, but the beauty of Trumpworld is that all the silly old laws from the past are getting ripped up. Anything – even Republican congresswoman Arwa – is possible if you abandon your principles and play your cards right.
And I intend to play my cards perfectly. I have done extensive research and devised a cunning plan for how to make it in modern American politics. Study it carefully and you too can be as successful as I am obviously going to be.
1. Become a billionaire and buy yourself a role
Ambassadorships have, in effect, always been pay-to-play in the US but, thanks to the self-proclaimed “GREATEST FRIEND THAT AMERICAN CAPITALISM HAS EVER HAD!”, the entire government is now for sale. You can seemingly buy yourself everything from a nice little foreign policy to a cabinet position. Never has democracy been so democratised: anyone with enough cash can participate. The only snag to this strategy is that I do not, in fact, have enough cash. Like many a feckless millennial I squandered all my “political influence” money on avocado toast.
2. Become a billionaire’s special little boy
If you can’t become a billionaire yourself, find one you can sell your soul to: it’s what I call the JD Vance manoeuvre. The vice-president would still be writing about hillbillies were it not for tech billionaire Peter Thiel’s mentorship and piles of money.
3. Achieve notoriety through whatever means possible
Should you be unable to locate a billionaire who wants to use you as an avatar to advance their dystopian accelerationist agenda, you will have to master the dark arts of the trollitician. John Fetterman (nominally a Democrat) and far-right Republican Marjorie Taylor Greene both seem to have advanced their careers by modelling themselves on internet trolls. Fetterman wanders around in basketball shorts, chumming it up with accused war criminals, and praising Trump for his “God-tier level trolling”; Greene spreads conspiracy theories about governments controlling the weather. Meanwhile, a Republican candidate for governor of California, clearly hoping to achieve name recognition through virality, has proposed that migrant women can stay in the country if they “marry one of our Californian incels”.
4. Harness the potential of “A1” technology
During a recent panel discussion, former wrestling mogul turned education secretary Linda McMahon – who may or may not be in that position because she donated handsomely to Trump’s campaign – repeatedly referred to AI as A1. “Now let’s see A1 and how can that be helpful,” McMahon mused at one point. Food for thought.
5. Share your top-secret plans in multiple group chats
The Trump administration, we keep being told, is the most transparent in history. If you want to get ahead, you’ll have to embrace that ethos. For more information, go find Pete “nobody’s texting war plans” Hegseth on Signal – he’ll fill you in on all the deets. Along with his brother, lawyer, wife, and some random dude he once met in a bar.
6. Finally, sit back and watch your net worth rise
Getting your foot in the door is the hard part. Once you’re in, the job’s a breeze: cancel all your public events and ignore your constituents, stat. Like Marjorie Taylor Greene, focus on making extremely well-timed trades in the stock market. If you bump into a pesky constituent, post a video of yourself ranting at them in the skincare aisle, as South Carolina congresswoman Nancy Mace just did. Most importantly, remember JFK’s famous quote: “Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for you.” That’s how it goes, right?
