“Mom, look!” That’s my cue. I know what I am supposed to do when I hear my child asking for my attention. An attuned parent directs their attention, or at the very least responds to their child if they are unable to look.
But I can’t seem to take my eyes off the delicious-looking recipe being demonstrated to me on Instagram.
“Mom, come on! You are going to miss it!”
“One second,” I say to my phone as the social media creator precuts vegetables at the speed of light for “the easiest pasta sauce that kids love!”
I can hear my son grumbling with frustration, “You are always on your phone!”
Uh, oh. Even with all of my knowledge about the dangers of technology addiction, research on the negative impacts of chronic screen usage on mental health, and the firm limits I have set for my kids’ own screen time usage, I realized I was a victim of it all too. I had created a technology-dependent, dopamine-seeking monster. And the monster is me.
What Is “Technoference”?
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“Technoference” has become an important term in psychological spaces that describes the interruption of parent-child interactions by technology use. It can reduce parental responsiveness, disrupt bonding, and potentially impact children’s emotional, social, and developmental outcomes (Braune-Krickau et al., 2021).
However, the issue is not technology itself, but the quality of attention and connection between parent and child.
Attachment Theory And Technoference
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Psychologists describe children developing secure attachment to their caregivers when their caregivers are responsive, emotionally available, and attuned to the child’s needs. In practice, a parent can provide eye contact, facial expressions, and verbal engagement when their child requests a connection with the parent.
This type of parental attention has been linked to increased social skills and language development in a child. Adversely, technoference has been linked to negative outcomes in children’s social skills and overall media use (Zhang, et al, 2025). Although this research continues to evolve, it shows us what we know to be true: our attention to our kids matters.
Technoference interferes with a parent’s ability to provide these reliable responses to their children. It can lead to emotional dysregulation in children, reduced trust, and a lack of understanding and connection between parent and child (Mackay et al., 2022). While technology use contributes to these problems, research shows that parents’ relationship with technology most affects children.
What Kids Really Want
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We do not want to reject our children, so how do we create a healthier relationship with our own technology use?
Children need consistent, engaged attention—not perfection or zero phone use. Luckily, researchers have found effective ways for parents to model healthy technology use that does not have lasting negative effects on relationships with their children. Take a look at some of these strategies, and consider which ones to organically incorporate into daily life.
Notice Bids For Attention
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As addictive as it is to scroll on social media, noticing our child’s bid for attention is the number one reason to put the smartphone down (Morris et al, 2022). Our attention signals what is important to us.
So when we fail to direct our attention to them the majority of the time, this can signal rejection to the child. Prioritize smartphone use when your child is engaged in an activity without you.
Phone Free Moments
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Phone-free moments have become more popular over the last few years as a way for parents to set limits on themselves. By putting your phone down during important moments of connection (think: meals, playtime, and bedtime).
These periods of time do not have to be long, but if they are consistent, your child will know they can expect regular connection from you.
Intentional Tech Use
One way we can hold ourselves accountable with tech use is by being intentional about our smartphone use. That looks like telling our children why we use our phones!
For example, if we are working, searching for a recipe, or responding to a text, we can communicate this intention to our child. This begins to help them develop an understanding of when smartphone use is appropriate. Hopefully, this will prevent mindless scrolling!
Repair Following Disconnection
Speaking of accountability, there will be times when we don’t get it right! There are moments when we do not look up when called, we scroll and ignore the situation, and we do not attune to our children. The most important part of this is acknowledging when you do these things, and letting your child know that you know it impacted them.
Bottom Line!
The bottom line is that we want to be responsive and connected to our children. This cannot happen all the time, and there are plenty of distractions. Just remember, how we use our devices sets the tone for how our children will expect to use them! If we observe our tech-use patterns, we can make intentional choices about what we want to model for our children.
