Dec. 22, 2025, 4:31 a.m. ET
Through my numerous sources in the White House, of whom I have none, I’ve obtained an exclusive copy of President Donald Trump’s letter to Santa Claus and accompanying Christmas wish list. I reprint it here because the holidays die in darkness.
Dear Santa,
As usual, I’ve been the very best boy this year. In fact, no boy has been better than me, and I’ve done more than anyone else on your list, many have told me that.
Whether it’s deporting people from sh-thole countries or bombing suspected drug boats or making sure everyone can say “Merry Christmas” again, everything I’ve done has been good.
Actually, everything has been great. Everything I’ve done is great, and I’m great, so I deserve all the things on my list this year, and if I don’t get them, I have to tell you, Santa, you’re not going to like what happens. Our warriors in the U.S. military are not afraid of elves, and I’ve been hearing a lot about problems at the North Pole that might need to be fixed with a missile or two, if you know what I’m talking about.
There could also be tariffs. I love tariffs.
That said, here are the things I WILL get for Christmas, to be delivered no later than Christmas morning at the fabulous and successful Mar-a-Lago resort.
Rename the North Pole
Given all I’ve accomplished in such a short time as president this year, nobody has ever accomplished more, I believe I fully deserve more recognition, so I’d like the North Pole to be renamed the Trump Pole, effective immediately.
You can keep the name “Santa Claus,” but I’ll be putting Elon Musk in charge of your workshop, and all children will know their gifts come from the Trump Pole. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
A second White House ballroom
As you know, I’m building the greatest golden ballroom anyone has ever seen on the site of the old and dumb East Wing of the White House. But the other day, I realized there is another wing on the West side of the White House.
I call it “the West Wing,” a name I totally came up with, and nobody had ever heard before. That West Wing can and should be torn down to make room for more ballroom, so I’d like an unbelievably nice second ballroom, preferably with even more gold stuff on it.
I’m almost out of the JD Vance repellent you brought me last year, so I’d definitely like a refill, as that bearded weirdo keeps trying to stand around me while I’m doing amazing things. The stuff that smells like a locker he was once stuffed into seems to work the best ‒ it really sends him running. Please make sure the bottle is gold.
Glasses that make it look like I’m awake
While accomplishing more than any president in history, I’ve been having a little trouble staying awake during meetings and Oval Office announcements that feature other people speaking. Anything that doesn’t directly involve me being praised for my greatness is BORING, and that means it’s snoozy time. So please get me some of those glasses that have open eyes painted on them.
A new ‘Wow, you’re amazing’ doll that looks like me
My last INCREDIBLY HANDSOME doll that looks like me and says “Wow, You’re Amazing!” on command broke last month, probably because it loved telling me how amazing I am all the time.
More gold stuff for around the White House
As you know, I’ve been classing up the lame White House with gold fixtures and gold frames and gold signs. But it’s not quite enough gold, because the building still doesn’t look like one of the hugely successful casinos that I CHOSE to close, even though they were making HUGE amounts of money. So any gold stuff I can slap on the walls would be great.
A giant Epstein Files eraser
I’m hoping the elves can help come up with this, but I could really use a giant eraser that makes the Epstein files disappear. If I could get that gift a little before Christmas, I’d appreciate it.
That’s it! Hope things are good at the soon-to-be-called Trump Pole. Thank you for continuing to wear MAGA red. Merry Christmas to me, and to me only.
— President Donald J. Trump, the best president in history, nobody else is even close
PS: Please bring Eric and Don Jr. coal. Lots and lots of clean, beautiful coal.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
