Wait, so if this movie has a joke about how two detectives are named Hobbs and Shaw, then that means the Fast & Furious movies exist in this universe. But Detective Shaw is played by Jordana Brewster, so how did they not notice that she looks exactly the same as Mia Toretto?
That’s just one of the many thoughts that ran through my head as I watched Heart Eyes, the second Valentine’s Day movie to come out the week before V-Day 2025 (no one seems to want to compete with the new Captain America movie). A masked killer slays couples every year on February 14th, and this time, they’re out for Ally (Olivia Holt) and Jay Simmons (Mason Gooding), two co-workers mistaken for a couple after a whirlwind romantic evening that’s about to become a living hell.
Heart Eyes is a strangely written film filled with inadequacies that fail at what it’s going for. Truth be told, I’m not very good at predicting what happens next in movies. I often have theories, but I’m usually wrong. Slasher movies are fun because they’re often whodunnits, with one (or more) of the main characters being the person behind the mask. I’ve seen my share of slashers, and the only other time I’ve correctly called the killer was Scream VI, another Spyglass movie with Mason Gooding.
It’s honestly impressive how predictable this film was. Within the first 20 minutes, I had my prime suspect. Halfway through, there’s a moment where the screenplay decides not to show us a crucial detail, and from there, I was completely sure who the killer was. At that point, I was just waiting for them to reveal who it was. Then, in the final act, when we have our “Surprise!” moment, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at how obvious it was. If you’re a fan of slasher movies, you’re going to predict the killer, especially at that halfway point. It’s baffling how easy it was.
Anyway, who knew getting struck by Cupid’s arrow could be this bloody? Beyond the predictability, we have a few cool, violent kills in this film. The most inventive is in the opening scene, and from there, they aren’t quite as clever but are definitely made for the splatter lovers. But our story follows Ally, who meets the handsome Jay at a café. Their hands touch as they reach for a cup of coffee at the same time, only to realize they both ordered the same thing. It’s your overly cutesy sentimental meet-cute, and the movie continues this tone throughout, playing into the clichés of a rom-com.
But Heart Eyes strikes this weird balance between a Hallmark rom-com and a slasher film, so by the books, it almost becomes a parody. The story beats are so formulaic that it never surprises you. You have a strong sense of what’s going to happen several minutes before it happens. The film tries its best to get us to care about Ally and Jay, with Ally showing off her jaded single life as Jay is more of a charming, hopeless romantic. They feel like archetypes. It’s not until much later when we learn about their pasts and why they are who they are, but the dramatic weight of this reveal is lessened by a piece of comic relief that persists throughout the entire scene.
What makes it worse is that director Josh Ruben seems to require every performance feel as inauthentic as possible. You don’t buy a single second of what’s going on because everyone in this movie is giving stilted performances. No one acts like a real person; they act like approximations of movie characters. The situations the characters find themselves in don’t feel like they could happen in real life; they’re the most ridiculous situations that the movie shoehorns in to keep the plot moving. Although the movie does have a campy tone that definitely goes for intentional humor quite often, it’s never as effective as Companion, another early 2025 movie that features the same horror/rom-com hybrid approach.
The film also keeps winking at the audience, referencing movies and trying to get a rise out of that. It’s hard to make those lines sound like they’re coming from the characters and not from a screenwriter who really likes movies. The only redeeming quality that Heart Eyes has is the fact that it’s never boring, using that one-night setting to create a few moments of suspense and excitement. The Heart Eyes Killer is also a lot more violent than other slasher villains, often moving more like a skilled assassin in an action movie rather than your slow-walking Michael Myers. But overall, this is a weak movie with even weaker dialogue and performances that sometimes can’t decide whether to make fun of the romcom tropes or commit them.
SCORE: 4/10
As ComingSoon’s review policy explains, a score of 4 equates to “Poor.” The negatives outweigh the positive aspects making it a struggle to get through.
